Assalamu Alaikum Everybody,
Thank you to all who continued to read and comment during my unplanned hiatus. I am so sorry for not publishing your comments in a timely manner.
So, why the hiatus you ask? Scholarly studies? Marriage? Travel?
I simply hit a rough patch and did not want every blog to be a depressing complaint. While I appreciate the support from all of you and the encouraging words you have always provided, it simply did not feel productive for me carry on in that manner.
Looking back, it was the perfect storm. A new country, a new job, a new religion, and trying to start building friendships and connections again. But that wasn’t all if it.
I was going through all this change after the two most exhausting years of my life during a long and depressing winter, and with none of my usual crutches – no booze, no partying, no dating. And even when looking for new friends… no more developing social circles around vices.
I felt stuck.
What is a girl – or very young middle-aged woman in this case – to do!
I prayed. A lot. Mostly though, I spent a lot of time just talking to Allah (swt). And with friends. Trying to figure out how to get unstuck.
I’ll be honest, there were times when I did not think I would ever move on. I couldn’t feel the connection with Allah (swt) or anyone in my life. And there were times I felt I was losing the very few people with whom I was still close. I did not feel like my life had a purpose or that I had a future on the path I was currently on.
I thought maybe this was Allah’s way of pushing me to do something radical. Quit my job and move back to California. Give everything away and teach English in some remote part of the world.
And while those are perfectly fine options – it felt like running away. I needed to face… well, face something. I wasn’t sure what it was.
One of my friends told me that a classic part of real change is giving up. Not giving up hope or not making an effort. But rather it is about letting go of old parts of your life so you can move in a different direction. And it is only when you really let go and grieve the loss that you can see the options available to you in the next stage of your life.
Alhamdulilah. Allah seems to not only know what lessons I need to learn but when I need to learn them.
And boy have I learned a lot!
The most important thing?
I am not in control, Allah (swt) is. — Big shock right? Okay …. Perhaps this is a very obvious lesson and one you have already mentioned in your comments, but for a control freak like me – this is VERY challenging.
I was trying to control everything, including outcomes and people – and as I cannot really do that successfully – I was unable to move forward.
Now I am feeling more hopeful than I have in years. Because with Allah (swt), anything is possible. He has no limits. Where I have nothing but limits.
I don’t exactly know what the next stage of my life will be.
I leave that to Allah. (And a LOT of prayer. I will always have some control freak in me.)